It's finally ready everyone. My first story. Some graphic content

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SawJacksoul
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It's finally ready everyone. My first story. Some graphic content

Postby SawJacksoul » Mon Sep 14, 2015 11:19 pm

Alright. I am now trying this for the damn third time in a row. And it’s being written in my docs so it won’t be erased for the third fucking time. Also I apologize for any spelling/sentence errors that I missed. It was midnight when I posted this so I said fuck that and went to bed. If there seems to still be errors refresh and hopefully I will have fixed them. If you let me know of any I missed in my corrections, I will correct them. Enjoy

The castle was bustling with activity. And I was busier than ever. Being the Black Knight Captain, which is the rank for leader of the knights, of the king’s knights is always a busy task. Especially when armies of darkness were on the rise. My second-in-command, Yorvik, came running up to me.

“The silver knights have finished assembling and the gold are almost done as well. Platinum and black are ready. Bronze needs a bit more supervision before they’re done,” he said.

“Very good Yorvik,” I responded to him. “Return to the supervision of the black knights.” He went back to his supervising. The knights were all divided by rank. From lower to highest they go: bronze, silver, gold, platinum, and then black. Bronze is the largest force but most inexperienced. Silver is the knights who have proved themselves in combat. Gold are those who have shown themselves to be hardened combatants and often supervise bronze and silver. Platinum is my knights with a gold rank but also have suitable experience in killing monsters. Black is my smallest force but the most experienced of all of the most distinguished knights. They are the very top elite. The force I trust with any task. To distinguish myself as captain, my black armor has gold embroidery. And the king himself, who I would place in the rank of platinum, wears bright gold armor but it is embroidered with diamonds. I have complete control over the army and am considered the most elite soldier. Although there are rarely threats that my other forces can’t handle. The highest ranking force I’ve had to send out even relatively recently was platinum to kill a vampire.

But now an army is on the rise. An army of evil and darkness. Made up of all kinds of monstrous creatures. From what I’ve been told it’s led by a black dragon. It will most certainly require my effort. I’ll need my black knights for the task. Maybe even the platinum if they aren’t on other fronts fighting. I’ve only dealt with dragons on a few occasions. I’ve yet to lose any men but we’ve yet to face the power of a black dragon that will be accompanied by an army.

I returned to the training arenas to oversee the suiting up. Each class was within its own division, being overseen by a gold knight except for platinum and black. I was worried for the men. The only ones who’d faced anything like this are the platinum and black knights. And they weren’t my largest force. Anyone can kill a monster. But there’s different things to expect. Only platinum and black knights can have an idea of what to expect from our enemy. It was time I went to instruct them the best I could.

I headed down from the platform overseeing the area and shouted for attention. All the knights stopped what they were doing and stood at attention. I looked over all my men and then said, “Men! I know most of you don’t know what to expect out there. I understand that. That’s why I’m here. I will try my best to show you what to expect in the short time we have. For training purposes, the platinum and black knights have live specimens of monsters that we breed for combat. Release the cage!”

A large metal cage descended from the ceiling and closed down around me. The men all watched as a cage rose up from the floor, revealing a vampire caged inside. It looked almost human except for its pale skin, sharp teeth, red eyes, and sharp claws. “Open it!” I commanded. The door swung open and the vampire hissed, “You were foolish to release me,” before it came running out at me. It ran with the aim to impale me on its claws. It swung in towards my abdomen but then quickly hissed and recoiled as soon as it made contact. “You see men, all of our armor is made with lace amounts of silver. Making vampires little threat,” I said. I grabbed the beast by his throat and lifted him up. He hissed as steam came off his burning throat and tried to bite at me. I jammed my hand into his mouth and clamped onto his lower teeth then put my other hand on the upper ones then began to pry open. I yelled as I ripped his jaw open, releasing his poisoned black blood all down my arms. I finished ripping out his jaw and threw him to the ground. He crawled away from me and whimpered as I stood over him menacingly. He tried to crawl away more but I kicked him down to his back then stomped his pathetic face into the ground. His head splattered all over the floor, leaving a mess of blood and brain matter.

I turned to the men who were standing in shock and awe and said, “Vampires are little threat to us. Only the strong ones withstand the silver lacing. You must always show no mercy or else they’ll quickly take you. Bring out the next victim and bring me my sword!”

My 7 foot long greatsword, completely black with gold lines running down the blade, was tossed to me and next out of the ground was a large werewolf. It was all covered in frayed black fur with bright glowing eyes. It stood on all fours and was about 10 feet in length. “Release it!” I shouted. As soon as the door opened, the beast lunged out at me. I swift stepped out of the way and brought my massive sword down on one of its back legs, slicing it right off. It howled and whipped around to face me, foaming at the mouth. I watched the blood spraying out of its back leg. It was preparing to charge again. I yelled to the men, “You see, with werewolves, the key is to be quicker than and strike immediately after countering them. It’s now weakened and you must go for the final strike.” I stood prepared as the beast lunged forward. It ran towards me and reared to strike. I saw my opportunity and rammed my greatsword straight through its chest, heaving it up off the ground. It’s blood ran down the blade and onto my arm as it slid down towards me. It kept trying to snap at me as it slid closer. I raised my sword higher then swung it to fling the beast off into the side of the cage. It tried to rise up by I ran up and swung my sword down on its neck, beheading it in one swooped. I grabbed its head and raised it up to the men. “You see men! Victory can be achieved over any beast. I believe in you all to be capable of these things. Just remember the things I tell you! Onto the next beast. This one is a bit more worrying but it can be overcome.”

I tossed the head aside as the next cage rose up. This one was no longer a cell but an entire steel box, massive in size and about 15 feet tall. “Open it!” I commanded. The door swung out and out lumbered a giant troll with pale leathery skin and was very fat. It’s one big eye immediately locked onto me and began heading towards me. I circled around the cage and said, “Men. This is one of the most dangerous adversaries you can face on the field. The key is to bait them into attacking. They are slow so quickly move out of the way and strike while they’re open.” The beast reared back to swing his arm, almost the size of a tree trunk, towards me. I easily moved out of the way as it fell forward. I stabbed my sword into its eye and yanked it out, blinding the beast. Blood splattered out over me from the missing eye wound. The beast roared out and swung wildly about the cage. I kept a distance and said, “This is a dangerous state for the creature but as long as you keep a distance you’ll be fine to gauge a finishing strike.” I watched as it flung around. Bashing the sides of the cage, denting the bars. I had to kill it before it broke them. The beast turned towards me and I ran into a dead sprint for it. I lunged into the air and stabbed my sword straight through its chest. I held onto it and stood on the beast’s chest, twisting the sword till it fell on its back from my momentum. It roared at me and I ripped my blade out of its chest, tearing chunks of flesh since my blade is serrated, and stabbed my sword into its head, silencing its roars. I slowly pulled out my sword for its skull, bringing bits of brain with it, and said, “You see my men? Any beast can be overcome! Be brave and show no mercy. Another cage!”

Once more a cage rose from the ground. Inside stood a dark humanoid figure. I said to the men, “This one here is a dark elf. They are fierce and dangerous combatants. Be on your toes. They will first try to disarm you with words before trying to disarm you with swords. Either way they will try to kill you. Never trust their words.” The elf looked about the blood sprayed cage and said, “I see you’ve been killing the zoo for their amusement. You seem to know how my kind is so no point trying to talk my way out. You’d best be ready when this door opens. I don’t plan to go easy.” I watched him carefully as he brandished his dual scimitars. He was wearing a black armor that closely fit to him, quite contrasting to my thick heavy armor. It didn’t matter. I’d worn this long enough I can move normally in it. “Open it.” I told the men. The door once again opened up and he slowly stepped out. He gave a duel bow which I returned and said, “Don’t do this on the battlefield men. This is just in honor of a fair single fight.” He took up his guard and I did the same as we circled each other. He came at me first with his swords prepared to impale me. I quickly parried them away with my sword, swinging it with great ease, and I swung it in a horizontal arch at his waist. He quickly jumped over it and rolled away from me. I knew we’d be in for a long fight.

We both gathered ourselves back up and prepared to go again. I brought my sword down towards his head which he sidestepped and slashed towards me in a similar vertical arch. I parried them away with the thick armor on my arm. I tossed my sword up and punched him in the face, leaving several scratches as the knuckles on my gauntlets had spikes on them, before he could dodge and quickly re-caught it, swinging it at his legs. He jump up and kicked my helm off me. Many of the men hadn’t seen my face. It was covered in scars with a trimmed full beard and a close shaved buzzcut. All of my hair was black. I had very rare purple eyes and a strong defined face. I wiped the sweat from my face and ran for the elf. He stood on guard waiting for the strike as I swung my sword in a diagonal arch at his right shoulder. He sidestepped to the right of it but I spun through my attack and backhanded him down to the ground. He tried to get back up but I stomped on his ankle. He squirmed to get out but couldn’t.

“You see men ahhhh!” I looked down to see one of his scimitars stabbed through my leg. He ripped it out with a vicious smile and I glared as I swung my sword down at the arm holding that blade. He cried out as his arm fell from his body. I grabbed him by the throat and held him up. He dropped his sword to pull at my arm. I stood on his foot and used my other leg to kick his knee in, shattering it and immobilizing him. He howled with pain as I threw him to the ground. I picked up my sword and dragged it behind me as I limped towards him. He tried to crawl away but I grabbed him by the leg. I grabbed onto his shattered knee and squeezed it, causing him to cry out. He thrashed to get away but I lifted him up by his throat. He cried, “Just hurry up and kill me already.”

I looked him in his eyes and said, “It was a fair fight, and a good one at that. You will now have your end.” I tossed him up in the air and as he fell I swung my sword horizontally at his waist, cutting him clean in half. His blood and organs showered down to the floor around me and quickly ran all about the ground. I picked up his heart and turned to the men and said, “The dark elves you will encounter on the battlefield will not be as fair as this one. He was alone and faced a single combatant. The ones out there will manipulate you into submission. Convince you not to fight them. And once your guard is lowered, that’s when they strike. They’ll stab you right in the back. You must be brave and be merciless!” And as I finished with that, I crushed his heart, letting the blood ooze down my arm before tossing the squishy remnants aside. The cage was a mess. Blood was everywhere. “Raise the cage!” I commanded. “There are more creatures but we don’t have time to demonstrate how to deal with them. Just only the most numerous and the most dangerous. Resume training and suiting up.” The men shouted a salute as I retrieved my helm and headed for my chambers.

I got there and the door was opened. I entered the room to see King Therin standing there, looking out my window. “That was some fight out there. Sure you can handle a black dragon old man?”

I chucked and slapped him on the back, smearing some blood which he didn’t seem to mind, and said, “I’m only in my 50s Therin. I can more than handle myself. I didn’t get to this spot for nothing.”

He nodded and said, “That’s true Duncan. But it never hurts to be careful.”

I clapped his shoulder and said, “Don’t worry my friend. Your knights number a thousand plus. We can handle this and only myself and my elites will handle the dragon. Once you cut off the head of the snake, the rest of the body will die. It’s only a matter time until we achieve victory after that.”

Therin nodded again and said, “I believe you Duncan. For now I shall retire to my chambers. We have a big day tomorrow.” I agreed with him and he shut the door on his way out.

I need some time to clean off before I go to sleep. My armor was off on its washing stand within minutes which I then set under the faucet that cleans it off. I relaxed my muscles and stretched out as I made my way towards my bathroom to shower. A glimpse in the mirror caught my eye. I stopped to look in it. My reflection stared me back as I stood there naked, covered in blood. I glanced down to my wounded leg and took a few minutes to utter a spell to heal it. One of the quirks of Black Knight Captain is we know a few spells. Once I was done I looked back into the mirror. I looked over my strong, muscled, and defined body, covered in scars from the years of combat. Everything I’ve done strengthened me into this. I stood proud for a moment at myself. I smirked to myself and thought if it weren’t for being so busy, any woman would be dying to have this to themselves. I shook off the thought as I stepped into the shower. The blood quickly washed off and I examined the new scar on my leg from the healed wound. I chuckled, “It’ll add to the collection.” The warm water helped relax me as I washed myself down. The feeling of smooth gushing water wasn't quite as exhilarating as the slow, thick, oozing blood of my enemies but it was definitely more relaxing. Water quickly stopped shooting out of the spout as I turned the handle to shut the water off.

I stepped back out into my room after I dried off and threw on a simple cotton shirt and pants. My bed called to me after I gazed out the window for a rather long passage of time. The sheets felt so soft compared to the leather padding inside my armor. I quickly dozed off in the comfort of my bed.

The dragon stood before me on the battleground. All of my men accompanying me were dead. I was exhausted but so was the dragon. It was covered in multiple wounds from all of our strikes. I heard its booming voice say, “You’re all alone now little man. You can’t possibly hope to stop me all alone,” it smirked. I yelled and ran towards the massive beast. It swung its claw to sweep me off my feet. I dove over it and rolled underneath it. My sword was long enough I could reach it for a strike. I stabbed up into its chest with a strong heave. The blade pierced through the scales, stronger than steel, and the dragon let out a loud roar. I wasn’t expecting the next part. It quickly snatched me up out from underneath it and held me in front of its gaze. Its laugh echoed across the sky then it roared in my face. It held me high in both claws then ripped me in half before dropping me into its great maw.

I shot upright in my bed, covered in sweat. It was just a dream. I headed to the bathroom and threw some cold water on my face to wash off the sweat. I wasn’t worried. I was the best. At worst I’d lose a few men but we would be victorious. I suited up and admired my blade before heading for the knights training area.

Most of the knights had already assembled. I worried for how many wouldn’t be coming home. Therin came up beside me, donning his golden armor. He shared my taste for greatswords. His was made entirely out of silver. It went well with the diamond embroidery on his armor. “What do you expect Duncan?” he asked me. “I don’t know sir. There will definitely be losses. But I expect for us to be victorious.” I replied to him. He nodded and stepped up to the railing overlooking the men. He shouted, “Come to attention men!” They all quickly fell in and stood attentively. “Today you all go to battle. You go to battle to protect your kingdom. I will not lie to you. Some of you will not be returning home. But it is not just for me that you fight. It is for your kingdom! For your home, your friends, your family and loved ones! Without us standing between them, they will fall. You fight to ensure their protection. Some of you may die. But it is so that those you love can live!” The men all shouted and let out victory cries. Therin nodded and yelled, “Move out!”

It took us several hours to leave the kingdom and cross several plains to reach where the creatures were located. We set up camp a few miles out from them where they couldn’t see us yet. They were set up in a huge dark forest. The sky was dark over it, the trees were all dead and petrified, and you could see them moving about in between the trees.

We knew they’d become aware of us when they starting massing just outside the forest. And the rumors were true. We’d caught glimpses of the dragon flying around. I gathered up my black and platinum knights to discuss how to take on the dragon. We all assembled in a tactics tent. “Most of you have helped me face dragons before. But none of them compared to the might of a black dragon. I’ve encountered only one before but it got away before we could finish it. Platinum knights, you won’t be directly involved for the most part. I just expect you to remain nearby in case things start to go awry. That’s why you’re in here in case we do need you. Black dragons are essentially like any other. But they’re larger, stronger, smarter, and faster. Follow dragon fighting basics. Stay out of range for them to scoop you up or swipe at you, avoid their tail, and only strike when there’s an opening. Don’t get inpatient. If you’re in front of it, always be wary of fire. It’ll easily melt your armor after a few seconds. The weak points are its belly, chest, and neck so if you can get under it, go for them. Don’t let it in your head. It can project its subconscious out and invade anyone’s mind. It’ll try to either mesmerize or intimidate you into submission. You’re all the best I have. I wouldn’t want to entrust anyone else with this task. Alright everyone. Let’s move out!”


Everyone was ready. An army of over one thousand men was assembled and ready for battle. Looking at our enemy, they appeared to be about the same size. The dragon flew about the sky, overseeing the scene below. We had to force it to land. Therin stepped up in front of the men to speak. “There lies our enemy! They amass before us and must face them now before their numbers grow even larger. I’ve watched you all in battle. You’re all exceptional warriors. Every one of you is worth ten of those beasts! Remember the ones you’re protecting at home! Now men! We charge!!!”

The pikemen moved to the front line and led the charge with their pikes lowered. The beasts responded with their own charge. The platinum and black knights stayed behind with me and the archers who were shooting creatures from the air. I watched the soldiers charge forward as the pikemen ran their pikes through the front line of our enemy. And after that moment, chaos ensued. Fighting was going on in all directions. I shouted, “Prepare the ballista!” The huge ballista was set up and aimed towards the sky. A massive bolt was loaded into it. I sat down on the seat and put my eye to the crosshair. The dragon was flying about, watching the carnage below. I breathed slowly as I prepared to shoot. The dragon hovered for a moment and I let the bolt fly. It hissed through the air at astonishing speed and pierced right through the dragon’s wings, pinning them in place. It let out a roar and bright column of fire as it fell to the ground, some of its blood raining down on the carnage below. “TO ARMS MEN!” I shouted as we took off in the direction of the dragon.

By the time we reached the dragon, it had already ripped its wings free of the bolt and roared as it snapped it in half. It was examining its wound then snapped its head up as it sensed us. Its scales were shining black and eyes glowed red. Blood was oozing down from the wounded wings. Its fangs were bared at us, showing off those sharp razors. It could easily puncture our armor. It was a majestic creature. A dangerous creature. Almost felt bad about having to kill it. I immediately felt a voice enter my mind. “Who are you?” she hissed at me.

I retorted, “Your games are futile serpent. You will not play your mind games with me.” I looked at my men but was confused that none were reacting. She was only in my mind. She smirked at us and said in my mind, “You think I couldn’t tell you were leading them? I see all. And I see your doom. I will not stop until all of the land is mine.”

I said back, “Over my dead body it will be,” and I told the platinum knights to join the battle nearby but be watchful. I led the charge against her with my black knights.

She waited for us anxiously and swiped at me when I got close enough. I dove over her claw and swung my sword at her leg. It sliced through and left a gash on her leg. She hissed at me and quickly smacked at me, knocking me back. My other knights encircled her, leaving her trapped. I smirked and laughed, “More than you can handle dragon?” She glared me down and leaped back a bit, swinging her tail, bashing the knights behind her. They weren’t dead but I wasn’t expecting them to get back up after taking that tree trunk full force. The rest of the knights closed the circle around her. She hissed as she watched us all. One of the knights in the back swung at her tail, leaving a small gash. She whipped around and swung at him. He barely dodged the attack and two others swung at her now exposed arm.

The fight went on for awhile with neither side making much progress although she was covered in gashes and I was down a few men. None had died so far. Just are probably in lots of pain. A few platinum knights tried to step in but I commanded them to return till I summoned them. She let loose a great breath of fire towards me. The men didn’t know my armor was made much much stronger than theirs. They rushed her sides, stabbing in while I stayed enveloped in her fire. My armor grew hot but it was bearable. I moved closer to her while she couldn’t see me. Right when she stopped I was right in front of her and swung right down on her head, leaving a big gash down the middle. She reared back, knocking the rest of my knights aside. They tried to rise but I commanded them to stay down out of the way.

She was completely covered in blood from all the wounds on her. I was exhausted and my armor was slightly melted in places and beat up. I heard her voice echo, “You’re all alone now. What are you going to do?”

I responded, “I’m much better than the best of my knights. You’ll find me a much fiercer combatant.” I moved closer to her. I had a plan. She snatched me up in her claw and held me to her face. “So much for being a fiercer combatant,” she chuckled.

I laughed, “Yes so much for that," as I pulled out a longsword I keep as a backup and stabbed it into her jaw. She immediately dropped me to the ground and I rolled out of the way as she yanked it out. Blood oozed from the wound and she crushed the sword.

“You could’ve made a great steed you know,” I joked to her.

“If it weren’t for the circumstances I might’ve considered it,” she said back to me. I smirked and ran towards her. She swooped for me and I dived over her claw, laughing, “You should’ve learned the first time.” She hissed and I stabbed my sword straight through her back leg. She cried out in a massive roar and I ran out from under her. She turned towards me with a limp. She moved towards me and tried to snap down at me. I dodge her and stomped my foot on her nose and lowered my sword to her neck. “Any last words dragon?”

She whimpered, “Please don’t kill me.” I looked in her eyes and said, “I have to. You’re too dangerous to let live.” She said back to me, “Please don’t. I don’t really wish to conquer this land. I just want to make sure I’m left alone. I didn’t even kill any of your men.” I did consider her words. She hadn’t killed my men.

"You tried to kill me. Why all this effort then? Why assemble an army for war when you want to be left alone?”

She responded, "I can see your armor. It's no regular steel. Those are dragon scales, capable of withstanding almost any force. You were never in danger. And creatures all mostly leave each other alone. But not humans.”

I retorted, “You could’ve communicated with us.”

She wearily said, “How would’ve your kind really reacted if they saw a dragon heading for its walls?” Her words hung heavily. “I’ll tell you what dragon. If you come with me to be my mount, I’ll let you live.” I saw her eyes examining me, considering the offer.

“Dragons are supposed to find the strongest partner. Considering you’ve bested me, I guess that makes you the strongest. So I’ll be your mount till the end of time.” I stood confused a bit about her using the word partner but shrugged it off. I lifted my sword and foot off her. She didn’t immediately kill me so I guess she was true to her word.

Without their leader, the creatures quickly crumbled and went back to the forest. We hadn’t sustained many losses surprisingly. I guess the men were better trained than I thought. I learned that her name was Lilith. I informed Therin of the situation which he consented to but said I’d best keep her under control. I led her away from the main army and healed her wounds. She gave her wings a few flaps then lowered herself for me. I stood in awe of her as I climbed on. She flew us back to the kingdom towards my quarters. I said we’d have a chamber made out for her in time so for now she’d stay nearby us, out in the fields. The ranks we lost were quickly filled. For now only Therin, myself, and the black and platinum knights knew of Lilith’s presence. We’d reveal her in due time. She’d left open her mental link to me so we could communicate anytime. Things went better than I thought. A threat was laid down and I acquired a dragon. I can only imagine what more will happen.

The end.
I hope you all really enjoy this story. It’s taken quite a few hours work to come up with. I definitely plan on coming up with a part 2. Prbly not for a few days though because I need to just chill out. Thanks for the support and please leave any feedback. I’d love to read it.
~Best regards,
SawJacksoul

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SeriousBaconDever
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Re: It's finally ready everyone. My first story. Some graphic content

Postby SeriousBaconDever » Tue Sep 15, 2015 10:27 am

Really good actually. Next chapter though, if they're fighting another army, I'd go into more detail into the actual army and its size and stuff when they get there because to me if was just.

Le'ts fight
We're here
Fight the Dragon
The End

Kinda go into more with the actual army that you said was there. I understand it wasn't an integral part of the plot but it allows the background to be there and not to just be a thought. If you get what I'm saying.
Last edited by SeriousBaconDever on Tue Sep 15, 2015 10:31 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: It's finally ready everyone. My first story. Some graphic content

Postby SawJacksoul » Tue Sep 15, 2015 10:30 am

SeriousBaconDever wrote:Really good actually. Next chapter though, if they're fighting another army, I'd go into more detail into the actual army and its size and stuff when they get there because to me if was just.

Le'ts fight
We're here
Fight the Dragon
The End

Kinda go into more with the actual army that you said was there. I understand it wasn't an integral part of the plot but it allows the background to be there and not to just be a thought. If you get what I'm saying.


I got you. I thought about going into detail over it but then kind of just disregarded it as I didn't have much thought put into it. When I'm not trying to juggle between this, work, and school so I can have a bit more time I'll prbly try to include more details
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Re: It's finally ready everyone. My first story. Some graphic content

Postby Ahdora » Tue Sep 15, 2015 2:29 pm

I just wanted to note that I've been super busy today and now my kids are home, but I've been coming and reading bits of this as I have time. Will chime in after I've read the whole thing. :)
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Re: It's finally ready everyone. My first story. Some graphic content

Postby SawJacksoul » Tue Sep 15, 2015 3:31 pm

Ahdora wrote:I just wanted to note that I've been super busy today and now my kids are home, but I've been coming and reading bits of this as I have time. Will chime in after I've read the whole thing. :)


Alright. Let me know what you think and give suggestions for part 2 :)
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Re: It's finally ready everyone. My first story. Some graphic content

Postby Ahdora » Mon Sep 21, 2015 5:09 pm

Alright, so!

Biggest writing strength: Your dialogue. You do a good job of showing the personality of each speaker through their word choices.

Biggest writing weakness: Being too overtly descriptive. Some things don't need to be physically described at all... sometimes letting the reader create their own mental image is okay. If it's something that is important to the story, however, find new ways to get the description in there. For example, instead of saying "His sword was black, with red lines embedded down the length of the blade," you could say something like "He cut a striking figure, standing on the parapet. The sinking evening sun caught the blood red lines running down the length of his onyx blade, making it appear as though he held a blade of living flame." See what I mean? You're describing the blade without saying "This is what the blade looks like."

I liked the plot, though I felt the end was rushed. I'd have liked to know more about the dragon ride and the arrangements. How was she a secret if they flew back together? No one saw that? Why not? Did they talk on the flight? I imagine they would. It just felt like you were kind of done with writing and didn't feel like fleshing that part out. Don't do that! Always give it time to breathe.

And a final note: your sentence structure is sometimes awkward... lacking in commas or other punctuation that would help it flow a little more smoothly.

Take all this as it is meant: helpful advice! Keep working on your craft; writing improves with practice, and you have a good base. :)
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Re: It's finally ready everyone. My first story. Some graphic content

Postby Ahdora » Mon Sep 21, 2015 5:26 pm

Oh, and if you want to discuss any of this in private, feel free to message me :)
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SawJacksoul
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Re: It's finally ready everyone. My first story. Some graphic content

Postby SawJacksoul » Mon Sep 21, 2015 8:10 pm

Ahdora wrote:Alright, so!

Biggest writing strength: Your dialogue. You do a good job of showing the personality of each speaker through their word choices.

Biggest writing weakness: Being too overtly descriptive. Some things don't need to be physically described at all... sometimes letting the reader create their own mental image is okay. If it's something that is important to the story, however, find new ways to get the description in there. For example, instead of saying "His sword was black, with red lines embedded down the length of the blade," you could say something like "He cut a striking figure, standing on the parapet. The sinking evening sun caught the blood red lines running down the length of his onyx blade, making it appear as though he held a blade of living flame." See what I mean? You're describing the blade without saying "This is what the blade looks like."

I liked the plot, though I felt the end was rushed. I'd have liked to know more about the dragon ride and the arrangements. How was she a secret if they flew back together? No one saw that? Why not? Did they talk on the flight? I imagine they would. It just felt like you were kind of done with writing and didn't feel like fleshing that part out. Don't do that! Always give it time to breathe.

And a final note: your sentence structure is sometimes awkward... lacking in commas or other punctuation that would help it flow a little more smoothly.

Take all this as it is meant: helpful advice! Keep working on your craft; writing improves with practice, and you have a good base. :)


Give me a moment to get my thoughts. I just got off work so my phone is blowing up and I'm trying to sort it and read through all this. Now I definitely see all your points. I have always been pretty good with dialogue. And I guess just being directly descriptive is my style but I do see what you mean. I'll keep it in mind. And the ending? It wasn't quite rushed as opposed to I just was running dry and thought that ending wrapped it up. I guess I aimed more for a wrap up than a fleshed out ending which I think is appropriate for part 2, which I'm assuming you're reading, but not this one. And on the final note of sentence structure, it was more I just wasn't quite sure where or which punctuation was needed. Can't wait on your input of part 2
~Best regards,
SawJacksoul

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